Life as a Waiting Room

I’m a dreamer and probably a bit of an idealist, I have so many beautiful long-held dreams of how I want to live with this world and all the ways I want to contribute. They are good dreams too, the kind of dreams that could potentially make a real positive impact on this world.
Some of them are near at hand, and some are far. Even very far (like bordering on pipe dream far). 
I love that I have the vision, creativity, passion, and imagination to see other ways of being- it’s important, valuable and needed at this time… BUT… Sometimes the incessant striving towards my dreams really blinds me to the treasure of what is already here (and it’s exhausting).

Sometimes it feels like my life is a waiting room… And that when I achieve this or that, then I will have finally arrived- then I can actually be present to my reality. Then I will be okay. Then I can finally relax.

And how quickly the goal posts shift!!!!
I rarely take stock of all I have already been given, rarely feel true gratitude for the extraordinary life I have already lived, in all its beauty and its pain before directing my gaze at the next place to get to.

I’m literally one of the most privileged people in the world, I live in one of the most economically stable and safe places on Earth (for now), I have health, an abundance of love and connection, am married to the love of my life and have plenty of opportunities to grow.

And yet, I often feel poor;
Like I NEED more (gotta own at least 100 acres of sacred bushland to steward and start that regenerative community), need to ACHIEVE more (gotta be a highly qualified superwoman whose mere presence catalyzes transformation and who can do ‘all the things’), I need to BE more (more healed, more woke, more talented, more outgoing, more compassionate etc).. All good things for sure, but I’ve noticed this vague sense of anxiety that settles on my shoulders when I’m not actively working towards embodying all my dreams and I often feel this subtle envy towards people who look like they have ‘arrived’ in theirs, even if it’s not somewhere I would ever personally care to arrive at.

Its a trance and a trap! the same disease of ‘not enoughness’ that has all of us consuming our Earth body to death- only my disease is dressed in a flowy hippy dress. Honestly, sometimes I’m shocked by how easy it is to take things for granted, how easy it is to see and focus on what’s broken or not okay (which is VERY important but not to the exclusion of what IS okay).

The truth is, no matter how beautiful my dreams may be, how positively impactful they may be, how worth the work they may be in the end…
Today might be the only day I have, there is a very real possibility that my time to ‘arrive’ will never come.
Maybe the circumstances for those dreams to manifest will never come to fruition in this lifetime.
And maybe in achieving those dreams, I would just be in another waiting room for yet another far off place to ‘arrive’ at.

I don’t want to get to the end of this life only to realize I never fully inhabited it. That I let the immeasurable treasure of inhabiting this body and this breath, in this time, slip me by while I waited for my life to start.

This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop moving towards these dreams… Not at all…
but only that I’m tired of acting from a place of not-enoughness, tired of making my dreams a reason not to fully show up for my life as it is now… and that I am ready to source my action from a deeper, more connected place within me. A place of profound gratitude for the chance to be here at all.